April 1, 2020. After Kim sent us a clip of a recent concert, this comment came back from Sue Wheatley.
Hi, Kim,
You’re an inspiration to us all! You make me think we can go on forever. Thinking of “the real deal”…do you remember our going to hear Harry Bellefonte (I think it was he) and during a sing-a-long he pointed up to the balcony where you were singing and said “That voice!”…and had you stand up? We were very proud.
Stay home, everyone, Sue Wheatley Carr (referring to COVID-19)
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Judy Kennedy is always sending wonderful “stuff”, and she’s at it again.
Click, listen and smile.
And of course, then came flooding in the responses:
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July, 2019, from Sue Wheatley Carr:
To everyone,
Several members of our class contributed to the campaign to support Bennet College this year. I just received a postcard from them which says,
“Thank you for your generous support during our #StandWithBennett campaign. We greatly appreciate your donation to help us raise over $9.5 million. Because of YOU, Bennet College will continue to stand strong!”
Good news, indeed!
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PS After Katonah we have a further road trip, ending up in a small town on the Delaware River, where my family always vacationed. I know it has changed into upscaledom but wanted to see it again. Have any of you revisited childhood haunts? No doubt it will often be true that you can’t really “go home” again.
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Everyone knew Callie’s husband Chris. They dated through her years at MHC, and Chris was like an honorary member of the Class of 1961. Callie, we are all thinking of you. We will miss Chris.
Christopher S. Demtrak MD, born April 11, 1938; died March 8, 2019, after a long, courageous battle with cancer. He is survived by his childhood sweetheart and wife of more than 56 years, Carolyn Davidge Demtrak, his daughters Elizabeth Akina, Seattle WA; Sarah Rogers, Westwood, MA; Caroline Browne, Medina, WA; his “oldest sister” Janet Quinnan, Vestal, NY; and younger siblings: JoAnn Harris, Vestal, NY; Judy Fuller, Boca Raton, FL; John Demtrak, Myrtle Beach, SC; nine grandchildren and numerous nephews and nieces. He was predeceased by his parents, Louis and Mary, and his brother, James. He also is survived by his best friend of more than 75 years, Ron Akel, with whom he never had an argument.
He attended BCHS and played varsity basketball and tennis. He was Captain of the tennis team senior year. He and Joe Hester were Section IV Doubles Champs 1954, 1955, 1956. He attended Cornell University and graduated with a BA. He was a member of Psi Upsilon fraternity, played freshman basketball, and varsity tennis all four years. He and his partner won the Eastern Intercollegiate State Freshman Doubles Championship in 1957.
He attended Albany Medical School of Union University, then completed his internship and residency, and was appointed Chief Resident while serving at Tripler Army Medical Center, Honolulu, Hawaii. He was transferred to Fort Jackson, Columbia, SC, named Chief of Pediatrics, was promoted to Major, and received the Distinguished Service award.
In 1969, he returned to Binghamton and started his Pediatric practice. He was joined by Dr. Thomas McGovern in 1972, Dr. Roger Chatterton in 1973, and Dr. Charles Hewson in 1980. They joined Associates In Medicine as their primary Pediatric group and in 1994, joined UHS. He was honored to serve the community for 43 years as a Pediatrician, retiring on December 31, 2012. Beloved and respected by his family, friends, colleagues, and patients, he lived a life defined by deep intelligence, integrity, compassion, and humor. He was a member of the Binghamton Club, Binghamton Country Club, R & A Club, Kannibal Klub, and the 21 Club. He was as dedicated to the community as he was to his work, and served on many Boards. He raised funds for Cornell University for more than thirty years, and served as Chairman of the Cornell Campaign for the Southern Tier. He was a long time member and Board member of the Boys and Girls Club Foundation, a member of the Discovery Center of the Southern Tier Foundation, and served as its current Treasurer. He was past President of Quaker Lake Cottagers’ Association. He served as a Pediatrician for the Muscular Dystrophy Association and Principal Investigator for Regional Clinical Research Inc. He acted as Chairman for both Binghamton General and Our Lady of Lourdes Hospitals Dept. of Pediatrics, and for many years was Assistant Clinical Professor of Pediatrics, Upstate Medical Center.
His hobbies and passions included tennis, skiing, painting, traveling with family and friends, and most of all spending summers at Quaker Lake. A Memorial Service will be scheduled at the convenience of his family, at a later date. In lieu of flowers, memorial donations may be made to the Community_Center_for_South_Central_New_York, Discovery_Center_of_the_Southern_Tier, the_Boys_and_Girls_Club_of_Binghamton, or a local charity of one’s choice.
Published in Binghamton Press & Sun-Bulletin on Mar. 10, 2019
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Many of us have learned that happiness is a skill and a choice.
By Mary Pipher
Dr. Pipher is a clinical psychologist. This article was forwarded to me from Jenifer Grant Marx.
When I told my friends I was writing a book on older women like us, they immediately protested, “I am not old.” What they meant was that they didn’t act or feel like the cultural stereotypes of women their age. Old meant bossy, useless, unhappy and in the way. Our country’s ideas about old women are so toxic that almost no one, no matter her age, will admit she is old.
In America, ageism is a bigger problem for women than aging. Our bodies and our sexuality are devalued, we are denigrated by mother-in-law jokes, and we’re rendered invisible in the media. Yet, most of the women I know describe themselves as being in a vibrant and happy life stage. We are resilient and know how to thrive in the margins. Our happiness comes from self-knowledge, emotional intelligence and empathy for others.
Most of us don’t miss the male gaze. It came with catcalls, harassment and unwanted attention. Instead, we feel free from the tyranny of worrying about our looks. For the first time since we were 10, we can feel relaxed about our appearance. We can wear yoga tights instead of nylons and bluejeans instead of business suits.
Yet, in this developmental stage, we are confronted by great challenges. We are unlikely to escape great sorrow for long. We all suffer, but not all of us grow. Those of us who grow do so by developing our moral imaginations and expanding our carrying capacities for pain and bliss. In fact, this pendulum between joy and despair is what makes old age catalytic for spiritual and emotional growth.
By our 70s, we’ve had decades to develop resilience. Many of us have learned that happiness is a skill and a choice. We don’t need to look at our horoscopes to know how our day will go. We know how to create a good day.
We have learned to look every day for humor, love and beauty. We’ve acquired an aptitude for appreciating life. Gratitude is not a virtue but a survival skill, and our capacity for it grows with our suffering. That is why it is the least privileged, not the most, who excel in appreciating the smallest of offerings.
Our happiness is built by attitude and intention. Attitude is not everything, but it’s almost everything. I visited the jazz great Jane Jarvis when she was old, crippled and living in a tiny apartment with a window facing a brick wall. I asked if she was happy and she replied, “I have everything I need to be happy right between my ears.”
We may not have control, but we have choices. With intention and focused attention, we can always find a forward path. We discover what we are looking for. If we look for evidence of love in the universe, we will find it. If we seek beauty, it will spill into our lives any moment we wish. If we search for events to appreciate, we discover them to be abundant.
There is an amazing calculus in old age. As much is taken away, we find more to love and appreciate. We experience bliss on a regular basis. As one friend said: “When I was young I needed sexual ecstasy or a hike to the top of a mountain to experience bliss. Now I can feel it when I look at a caterpillar on my garden path.”
Older women have learned the importance of reasonable expectations. We know that all our desires will not be fulfilled, that the world isn’t organized around pleasing us and that others, especially our children, are not waiting for our opinions and judgments. We know that the joys and sorrows of life are as mixed together as salt and water in the sea. We don’t expect perfection or even relief from suffering. A good book, a piece of homemade pie or a call from a friend can make us happy. As my aunt Grace, who lived in the Ozarks, put it, “I get what I want, but I know what to want.”
We can be kinder to ourselves as well as more honest and authentic. Our people-pleasing selves soften their voices and our true selves speak more loudly and more often. We don’t need to pretend to ourselves and others that we don’t have needs. We can say no to anything we don’t want to do. We can listen to our hearts and act in our own best interest. We are less angst-filled and more content, less driven and more able to live in the moment with all its lovely possibilities.
Many of us have a shelterbelt of good friends and long-term partners. There is a sweetness to 50-year-old friendships and marriages that can’t be described in language. We know each other’s vulnerabilities, flaws and gifts; we’ve had our battles royal and yet are grateful to be together. A word or a look can signal so much meaning. Lucky women are connected to a rich web of women friends. Those friends can be our emotional health insurance policies.
The only constant in our lives is change. But if we are growing in wisdom and empathy, we can take the long view. We’ve lived through seven decades of our country’s history, from Truman to Trump. I knew my great-grandmother, and if I live long enough, will meet my great-grandchildren. I will have known seven generations of family. I see where I belong in a long line of Scotch-Irish ancestors. I am alive today only because thousands of generations of resilient homo sapiens managed to procreate and raise their children. I come from, we all come from, resilient stock, or we wouldn’t be here.
By the time we are 70, we have all had more tragedy and more bliss in our lives than we could have foreseen. If we are wise, we realize that we are but one drop in the great river we call life and that it has been a miracle and a privilege to be alive.
Mary Pipher is a clinical psychologist in Lincoln, Neb., and the author of the forthcoming “Women Rowing North: Navigating Life’s Currents and Flourishing as We Age.”
Follow The New York Times Opinion section on Facebook, Twitter (@NYTopinion) and Instagram.
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Editor’s note: Thank you so much, Dottie, for these lovely thoughts to close out 2018, and Happy New Year to you all!
I can be quiet and alone without being lonely. There are the beloveds always around me. Those who followed me from my mothers womb. Those who came from mine. Those who have followed.
And the friends. We have shared history, mine and theirs. Ours. Tears and laughter together.
The circles shared, college classrooms and book groups, widows drinking wine together, church groups and singing groups, ad hoc committees and deliberating bodies.
If I can love others, others can love me. And vice versa. The circle of life. Join me in celebrating it. You received this message so you are part of it.
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Hi All —
Dan and I just spent a wonderful weekend with Dottie Smith Mann who is summering, as she has for the last few years, in Rockport, Mass . Here’s a very happy picture of the three of us at the Essex Shipbuilding Museum where we spent a lovely afternoon on tour and learned all about the long history and interesting currency of shipbuilding of all sizes on Cape Ann. We also had plenty of time to eat lobster and shrimp at the famous Roy Moore Lobster Shack on Bearskin Neck, hear some amazing innovative jazz from the great male vocalist Kurt Elling and the brilliant Jamaican BeBop pianist Monty Alexander at the Shalin Liu Center for the Performaning Arts with its glass backwall to the sea (check it out at https://rockportmusic.org/shalin-liu-performance-center/ , and shop the funky artsy clothing and gift boutiques of this beautiful little seacoast town. No wonder, Dottie calls it her “spiritual home.”
Actually, she got me thinking about where my “spiritual home” is, and I guess I would have to say it’s right here in the White Mountains of New Hampshire under the shadow of the great Mount Washington. How about you? Have you ever thought about that concept before?
Hope everyone is having a wonderful summer, as we are. Looking forward to the MHC Class of 1961 Mini Reunion Gathering on August 23rd,
Judy
Judith Marshall Kennedy
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______________________________
Jan 10: Your report is vivid and grim. I’m so sorry to hear that your daughter is going through such trauma. I hope your loved ones stay safe. I am holding all of the people suffering so much in my thoughts. Sandy
(Sandy Iger Kohler)
Jan 10: Oh, Kim. How dreadful. I am grateful that you and your family are safe. Indeed, our prayers are with you. Marian
Jan 10: My prayers are with you, your daughter and her neighbors. Jennifer
Jan 11: Oh, Kim! Thank God your daughter and family are OK. Frannie Blair
Jan 11: I too am so thankful that your family is safe and know that my prayers are with you and all in the devastated community. Hugs, Ding
Jan 11: seconding all the earlier thoughts on Kim’s report – we talked to our daughter in Goleta night before last. She and her family are safe but thoroughly shaken up this 2nd disaster. She pointed out that with all the horror of the recent fires, just 2 people (one a fire fighter) have been reported dead, while the reports of Montecito are 15 and still counting – glad you and you’re family escaped Kim – amy
Jan 11: Have been thinking of you and your family Kim. When will we ever learn! We are all here working on sustainable energy locally, but it is a true travesty that our government has pulled out of working on climate change globally. The Chinese will rule! Betsy
Jan 11: I’m one of many I’m sure, who have been worrying, Kim. Sudden shocks like these so hard on the whole community. Finding heart to begin cleanup and rebuilding, never mind mourning the many lost, is heartbreakingly hard. Best done in community. I remember that from Hurricane Andrew. Love Dottie
Jan 11: What a shock for us all in southern California – I never realized the terrible force of mud after a fire. I was thinking of you, and am very glad to hear all are OK, but so many are not. Climate change is real and it’s here for us! Dee
Jan 11: Kim, I am so sorry for all the troubles your family and friends are facing. Hoping insurance will cover some of the damage. Nancy Cox
Jan 11: Thinking of you, Kim, because I am so sorry for what your family is having to go through. With the continuing denials of climate change, it just gets me angrier and angrier. Love and hugs. xx Liz
Jan 11: If only words could provide instant healing. I’m sending mine in the hopes that you and your daughter, as well as your communities, can get through this horrendous ordeal. Thinking of you and yours with hope. Fondly, Liz T.
Jan 12: Sending more love and hugs your way, in the wake of this latest devastation. So glad for Kirsten’s family’s safety, and for yours, of course. The Golden State can be both beautiful and unforgiving. (My daughter was at UC Santa Cruz during the Loma Prieta earthquake which had such lasting effects in SC and throughout the Bay Area while we were living there.) The Montecito TV visuals are indeed grim. Prayers for relief and recovery for all… Love, Rocki
Jan 12: I’m heartbroken at this devastation. Sending love and prayers.
Barbara Freeman Douglass
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