Category Archives: Take Time to Laugh

Way back when there were printed church bulletins, the church ladies typed at home.   These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services.   Believe it or not, and enjoy!

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.  ‘The sermon tonight:  ‘Searching for Jesus.’

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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help. 

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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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 Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 

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The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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And this one just about sums them all up.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’

Oh joy.  Another hilarious group of wise words from Kim Holmquist.  Thanks so much, Kim.   I hope you all enjoy!

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.” 

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. 

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting. 

“Your call is very important to us.  Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo”. 

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me? 

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime. 

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. 

I decided to stop calling the bathroom “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. 

Old age is coming at a really bad time. 

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees. 

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet. 

Why do I have to press “one” for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Now, I’m wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only seen one copy?

Commandments for Seniors…… 

You don’t need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off. 

Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work. 

“On time” is when you get there. 

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound. 

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free…and three sizes smaller. 

Lately, you’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you. 

Kim Holmquist sent this to the chat group.  Thanks, Kim.  11/24/22

Thinking about moving to Florida?

Click on the link and scroll down.

Liz Hottel Barrett, August 202

So I had a reverse shoulder replacement of my right arm in December of 2019.  Many of us have had replacement parts, and that one was something for which I am grateful.  I have complete upper range of motion:  the only hard thing is pulling up my pants since I’m unable to reach anything on my right backside with my right arm.  A nuisance but I’m still lucky to have most of the rest of my range.  

However, I’ve not been able to hold my fork to eat comfortably.  It’s weird, and I wish I could get back a “normal” feeling when eating, but I can’t seem to.  It’s not obvious to an on-looker, at least I don’t think so.  But the consequences include spilling things down my front.  It is so annoying, and most of the time I am unaware of it.  Anyway, I’m pretty good with stain removers and bleach, but sometimes I just can’t seem to get rid of the stains.

Therefore, I have become incredibly creative:

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My son John loves the fact that I remind him of Phyllis Diller and all the things she used to do and say.   Ah, aging is such fun!

LESSON:  Is it “complete”, “finished”, or “completely finished”?

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words – “Complete” or “Finished”. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: ‘How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.’

Here is his astute answer:

“When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25-year-old Scotch.

Click here for another good guffaw!